can I read people how can I know if
somebody's lying to me how do I elicit
information from people and I'm asked
this because in my previous profession
prior to working in the media I
conducted a lot of interviews I spent
hundreds of hours in the interview room
as a special agent I interviewed people
that had committed some very horrible
crimes I interviewed people who wanted
to work for the government I interviewed
people who wanted to harm our country I
interviewed people from all walks of
life and over the years I learned a
rather I discovered that there were some
basic principles recurring things that I
was seeing when I was speaking with
people and trying to elicit information
because that's all I needed to do I was
trying to get information out of people
and at the end of the day it all came
down to communication when people ask me
how do how do I get people to tell me
you know what I want to know how do I
read people they think I'm just gonna
pop out this checklist and be like just
follow steps one through seven you'll
get what you want and it doesn't work
like that yes there is a science when it
comes to communication but communication
is more of an art form than anything
else communication is what gets you to
where it is you want to go whatever that
is
I want to share those basic principles
with you here today but most importantly
your words are what matter we live in
the world where we speak words and we
don't really even think about we're
saying we say things just to say them we
tweet what we want we email what we want
but we don't understand the impact of
our words prior to being a special agent
I went through the New York City police
academy I was a cadet and when you're in
the New York City Police Academy there's
a class you have to take it's called
police science and during one of my
lectures my lecturer my instructor was
sergeant Corrigan
sergeant Corrigan got up there and from
the class and he said if you all go
through your entire career and you never
have to use your weapon well then by my
account you've had a great career
because you said this is your most
powerful weapon this is how you get
people to give you what you want this is
how you get people to comply not this
this
listen the fundamental principle and
having communication is listening and I
have to tell you we don't listen and
when I say listen I mean be an active
listener half the time when you're
speaking with someone you're not even
absorbing we're not absorbing what
they're saying we're thinking what am I
going to say in a response we're
thinking about what when is it my turn
to speak
we don't even let them finish sometimes
and I do that on occasion sometimes they
do to my husband and he'll say to me you
know for someone who's a great
interviewer you kind of suck at this
sometimes but when I say listening I
mean with more than just your ears you
have to absorb people and what does that
mean you want to feel people with your
mind with your soul with your heart what
vibe are they giving you and this may
sound like an awkward thing but it's not
and you've all experienced it you meet
somebody they introduce themselves to
you within the first five minutes you
either like this person a lot you're
like you know what I just found my BFF
love this person or within those first
few minutes you say to yourself you know
what don't like this person I want
nothing to do with them and somebody can
ask you they'll say well why not and you
won't be able to articulate it you'll
say you know what I just don't like them
you know what I'm just don't something
doesn't feel right you know what they're
just off we all have that instinct and
you know what we don't listen to it we
don't sit there and think and feel and
see when I would do interviews I would
listen to people all of them I would
never put a table between myself and
another person ever I still don't even
in the now I'm working in the media when
I interview someone when I talk to
someone my preferences in person no
table between us because if there's a
table between us all I can see is what's
going on from here and up I want to see
all of you I want to see what every part
of your body is doing because then I can
understand you know when I can I
understand you I can begin to
communicate and listening also means
what
you listen and you speak less we have
this this myth where we think if we
speak more if we couldn't control the
conversation we're in control and it is
the exact opposite it's the person who
speaks less who's actually in control
because you're giving it all up you're
an open book here you go what do you
want to know about me and people love to
talk so let them think of it this way
8020 rule
you listen 80% of the time 20% of the
time you speak especially when it's
something that you need from this person
especially when it's something that you
desire that you need to learn because if
you're talking you're not learning
anything and having patience when people
speak and then silence a lot of us don't
like silence sometimes you speak to
people and there's a moment of silence
and we feel like we have to keep talking
and talking silence is beautiful because
when you're silent you're also telling
that person I want you to answer my
question but when you keep speaking you
don't allow them special I love special
I tell everyone make people feel special
and they look at me like what make
people feel special when you speak to
someone and you're looking to have a
communication with someone you have to
make that person feel that they are the
most important person that you are
dealing with at that moment does it mean
you do one of these or even glance at
your watch
doesn't mean you pull out your iPhone
and talk to people and we've all had
that done to us and it doesn't feel so
good during my previous career I had the
the privilege of being around some
amazing people to include world leaders
and presidents and often I was you know
assigned to former President Clinton and
I would accompany him and supplement his
detail and I was amazed
least and how he mastered this he would
walk into a room it didn't matter where
we were who he was speaking to and it
didn't matter what was going on in his
life but he would walk into a room and
he when he would speak to someone he
would make that person feel like there
was nobody else in that room but him in
that person and this is a former
presence of the United States man who's
quite busy and you know what else he
would do he would ask people their name
what's your name and he would remember
it and then half away during the
conversation he mentioned that person by
their name because when you mention
somebody by their name our name is our
identity that's how we identify
ourselves we're proud of our name and
when you can remember of somebody's name
that speaks volumes that is the ultimate
compliment to remember somebody's name
earlier on they asked you to look to
each other introduce yourself as the
person next to you their name I bet you
80% of you don't even remember the name
of that person you introduce yourself to
because you're not listening you're not
trying to make somebody else feel
special and it's okay in this
environment but if it's in an
environment where you're looking to try
to get somewhere it always gonna hurt
you make people feel special listen to
people be present nobody matters more
than that person across from you when I
would do interviews I would take my
phone I would put that thing away
I would take my watch off because
obviously it was very important to me
because I was trying to get an admission
or confession I was trying to solve a
crime to get information and I wanted
that person whoever it was to know that
I had nowhere to go and all that
mattered in that moment was that
perspective
when I say perspective I speak about in
the way in which we look at people in
the way in which we see the world and as
human beings I've learned in studying
human behavior and dealing with people
we are all idiots
we all are egotistical people in some
way we see the world truly through our
own perspective we try sometimes to see
it through other people's perspective
but we are so subjective and so biased
and look we've each lived our own life
and we are a culmination of our own
experiences our life's experiences and
that makes us who we are but when you're
communicating with someone you have to
take a moment and learn about that other
person's perspective and how do you do
that well you have to know your audience
you have to know who you're speaking to
and if you're not listening you really
don't know who you're speaking to
I was in the situation or I was on an
assignment in in Florida and we were
doing in advance as we called it and I
was doing the security preparations for
one of the people we're protecting who
was going to the side and my
responsibility was to secure the site
the event site to make sure everything
was safe for one of our protectees a
high-level protectee and I had to work
with other members their staff members
people from the facility and whatnot we
had to negotiate terms and of course
being that I had the security angle I
wanted everything locked up and tight I
want to know who's going in I want to
know who's going out and I had to
compromise on certain things too with
the other entities that I was working
with because they were you know focused
on the event being a success we were at
one point where we were discussing
something and we're trying to compromise
a part of the security plan when one of
my counterparts came up and he said to
me you're acting as if somebody's going
to fly a plane into this building
now I realized in that moment he didn't
know his audience because I am from New
York City I was in the World Trade
Center on September 11th I lost
colleagues and a friend several of my
colleagues and I stayed behind to help
evacuate people to set up a triage and
we were caught in the collapse of the
towers both by the grace of God I was
able to go home that night but in
hearing him speak he had damaged those
lines of communication and although I
continued to work with him and stay open
and receptive without realizing he had
sabotage something because he didn't
know his audience when you speak to
people you have to know your audience
and you're not going to know your
audience if you're just seeing things
from your own perspective if you're the
only one who's talking and if it's just
about you because it can't be when we
don't have perspective we have ignorant
and ignorance causes conflict causes
conflict in our relationships it causes
conflict in our personal relationships
with our loved ones at work with our
colleagues it causes conflict within
societies when one group doesn't stand
another group and even causes conflicts
between countries because we're too busy
trying to shove down somebody else's
throat our perspective instead of trying
to listen to somebody else's and when
you communicate with people the idea to
enhance communication is to do so in a
way that that person understands not in
the way that you understand but in the
way that person sees the world
self fifty percent of what we discussed
has to do with the other person but the
other fifty percent has to do with you
and when I say self I mean
self-awareness sometimes we're not
really self aware of ourselves we're so
focused on someone else
and when I say self-awareness it means
really taking stock of yourself how do
you present and it varies we're
different people with different
individuals right well one person at
home one person with our a husband or
our wife one person with our children
one person at work but how do you carry
yourself when if you were to see you two
if you were to see you walk into a room
what impression would that give you I
always hear you know doesn't matter what
you look like on the outside and it
doesn't in that vain perspective but
what matters is how are you put together
cuz if you look the part then people are
gonna think you know what what he or she
says is relevant and unfortunately if
you look disheveled
if you look like you're a mess no one's
going to listen cuz it's gonna make the
assumption that she doesn't know what
she's talking about look at her she
didn't even iron her shirt today and
when it comes to self it's not just on
the aesthetic level but also on the
level of when it comes to confidence how
you carry yourself who you are there's
this study done in Ontario in Canada
they went to a bunch of felons and they
asked him how do you pick your victims
they wanted to know how do they pick
their targets to commit a crime on these
people and a lot of them said well we
look at body language we look at how
people carry themselves if you see
somebody walking up with their head held
high taking up space because if I take
up space I'm telling you what I'm
relevant I'm matter I'm here that's one
thing but if I walk and I'm closed in I
have my head down maybe I'm on my iphone
all the time I'm in my own world what
message am i sending out to you not a
bad target she might go down easy but
the idea was when they sense that
but he could possibly be a counter
predator they didn't attack but if they
send somebody would go down easy
an easy victim then that changed the
scenario how you carry yourself how you
portray yourself that's communication
how people see you how people feel you
so although you may think you're sizing
people up and you are people are sizing
you up too and every time I walked into
the interview room every time I went to
do an arrest or search warrant people
were sizing me up and you have to be
aware of that respect I've talked to you
about communication and words and how
important it is but there are times
where words are not the way to
communicate sometimes our actions are
the way to communicate to people when I
went through training through special
agent training it was like my second or
third day we were in the cafeteria it
was evening eating and I sat down with
some of my colleagues and a couple of
guys came over and they said you know
some of the people don't feel
comfortable with you being here some of
the guys don't want you here
I remember thinking okay do it I don't
understand well they feel that you know
what maybe physically you're not kind of
stacked up to do this job and I remember
turning around I said I don't I don't
understand I I went through the same
hiring process as everyone I qualified
like everybody else I did everything
that everybody else did I you guys don't
even know me you just met me two days
ago three days ago I don't understand
and said well you know what the
standards for women are lower than they
are for men the standards are lower so
that women can get this job
so I went home that night and I thought
about what they said and what they said
was true the standards were lower so
that women could get in that wasn't a
lie and I felt stupid I felt like a
stupid girl to think that I actually
thought I belong there I felt ashamed
and embarrassed but then there was this
other part of me I felt angry and rage
and I could feel this venom coursing
through my veins and lucky for me that
part of me went over next day I found
out what the standards were for the men
and I started training I would train
during the day and then I would train
that night by myself
for months pushing and pushing and
eventually it got stronger but what I
realized is my confidence got stronger
and my mental armor got stronger that
part of me because it was all mental it
wasn't really physical and I built up my
mental armor and eventually I started
competing on the same level as the men
in my class and even in some occasions
surpassing them I earned the respect not
through going to somebody and saying hey
you need to respect me I knew that that
wasn't gonna work but I earned it
through my actions I have to tell you
though not everybody respected me no
matter how much I excelled no matter how
so much I surpassed not everybody
respected me and that's when I learned
it wasn't my issue it was theirs that's
when I learned you don't need
everybody's respect some peoples you
don't need first and foremost is your
own respecting yourself which I I
acquired and then knowing whose opinions
of you matter and whose opinions of you
don't when you learn to differentiate
which ones matter and which ones don't
that's when you're really free
I want to finish with this how you
define yourself is your choice how
others define you is their choice is up
to you to decide which definition you
prefer thank you
you
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